A walk on the other side

 I was sitting in my PCP's office just waiting for my physical to start. I notice I have a voicemail on my phone. Cell service is crappy in my doctor's office so I wasn't surprised that I didn't see a missed call on my phone. It was my mom; "Kelly, it's mom. Can you please call me when you get this? I think your dad may have had a stroke." 

It was in that instant time stood still. 

I don't know how I managed to get through the appointment and the bloodwork (8 vials of blood to check for allergies) but I did. This was about 2 hours ago that I got the call and now my sister and brother have been periodically texting with updates, one of them being from my brother that the "may have" was in fact true. Still haven't heard from my mom yet. I'm not surprised. 

I really don't know how I feel right now. Every time I say it out loud I start to cry. My dad had a stroke. My eyes are blurred as I write this. I've never been on the other side of the healthcare fence, until now. And I don't like it. I can't think of ANYTHING else right now. Every time I think I may be starting to get it together, I fall apart again. My emotions are all over the place. I'm angry. I'm SO ANGRY. I hate this year and what has happened, starting with covid. Because of this pandemic still I'm probably not going to get to see my dad until he gets out of the hospital. I can't be there and tell him everything will be ok. I can't hear his voice. I can only wait to hear from my family via phone calls or texts as to what is going on. So for all of you anti-maskers and all you who think covid is just a hoax, STAY OUT OF MY WAY right now. I'm serious. 

I'm scared. It sounds like they caught it early which is good, but....stroke. I've seen people recovering from strokes. It's a long and tedious recovery. Some people are able to return to fully normal lives, but right now, I don't know about my dad. I don't know what the next few days, weeks, months or years are going to be like. Nobody in our family has ever had strokes before, NO ONE. And now I have to add it to my family history. So now I'm going to do what I can to take care of myself as best as I can. But then again...you know? Even putting out all the stops and this can still happen. I'm humbly reminded, that as cliche as all of this is, anything can happen to anyone. I am humbly reminded we are not invincible. I prayed in the car driving home. I prayed "God, I don't even know what I need right now." I really don't. I don't know what can be said or done to console me right now. I'm at least thankful that I know my parents wishes should a medical condition or emergency result in not making a meaningful recovery. Yet even so, even after all of the dust settles with this initial period, our lives, my whole family's lives, are going to change. Forever. Life as we once knew it is no longer that. I know I'll never be the same after today. 

Welcome to the other side.