In memory

 "Life is so precious, so beautiful. It's amazing to protect something so precious." -Lana Lang

Tonight I'm grateful. Grateful to be alive. Grateful that the work we accomplish is doing just that, saving lives. Maybe one day we'll beat addiction. Maybe one day we'll beat cancer, HIV, AIDS, heart disease. Maybe (hopefully) one day all of this corona chaos will be over soon. Speaking of which, we found out that someone who was in our office tested positive. As a precaution, I got tested yesterday. It...wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it wasn't awesome either. I'll get the results in 2-3 days, regardless. Someone will call me. 

I had a meeting with my boss recently. I had a lot on my mind I had been wrestling with; feeling the pressure of some of the duties of the day, some tough clients who were struggling, other things. I've found my boss is very easy to talk to; she provides constructive criticism without being condescending or tearing me down. She challenges me to think about my own processes and the way I handle the daily musings of the office. She doesn't demand perfection and meets me where I am, frequently acknowledging that life happens and sometimes an off day is just an off day. She doesn't scold me for doing wrong, rather assists me into pushing forward and helping me learn from my wrongs. One of the things she told me is "Kelly, own your role. Own what you do here. I've noticed you try to seek the approval of others. You don't have to do that here. We're confident in you. Be confident in yourself." Truthfully, confidence is something I've always struggled with, even growing up. I struggled in school, and the terms "learning disability" and "special classes" were thrown around to my parents. But they never wanted me to believe I was different. They never wanted me to be treated differently. Still in college my struggles continued; perfection was beat over all of us, and I had to work harder than my peers. If I made a mistake, I was told "you shouldn't be doing that at this level." I was constantly afraid of failing, still am. It's hard for me still even as an adult to rise up to the many challenges I face. 

As you may know, I'm a pretty big Marvel movie fan. I was first introduced to the fandom 4 years ago; my first Marvel movie showing in theaters was Doctor Strange. I was a travel nurse and one of my dear friends traveled 2 hours down to come and see it with me (we got orange leaf fro-yo afterwards). I identify with many of the Marvel characters, in the sense that they had their own struggles but often their "superpowers" were found within them. Steven Strange had to overcome crippling setbacks that stripped him of his career as a neurosurgeon. Steve Rogers was a puny guy who overcame bullying and self doubt and rose to fame in the Army. Carol Danvers was told she "would never make it" in the USAF as a woman. In 2018, the first movie I saw in a 3D IMAX theater was Black Panther, which was one of the first movies in the US to have a predominantly African American cast. It's a reason too that tonight my heart is heavy. 

The lead actor, Chadwick Boseman, who was also in the last 2 Avengers movies and Captain America Civil War, passed away yesterday. He was 43 years old. It was reported that he had been battling colon cancer for the last 4 years. It was also reported he passed at home with his family present. I suppose there are worse ways to go. But still. That's only 13 years older than me. During that time, he filmed several other movies, all the while undergoing treatments. As someone who sees and experiences the suffering of others on a near daily basis, I can't even imagine what that must have been like. The loneliness of just the every day struggles. The uncertainty of the outcomes of the various treatments. The not knowing of what the next minute, hours, days, weeks or months would bring. But nobody ever knew. Or maybe some did know. I hope someone knew. I hope he was comforted in his dark moments, had someone to confide in. I watched Black Panther tonight in his memory. 

We just never know, do we? We never know what any one of us are going through at any given time. That's why I try to listen to my clients, take an interest, hear their stories. Some of them are doing really well. Others from time to time are still wrestling with their demons. I was in tears in my meeting with my boss because the work we do, is just incredible. It's a privilege knowing that we are a part of someone's sobriety story, and I hope we can be a part of many more in the years to come. 

I hope that Chadwick our Maker and that God greeted him and said "well done, my good and faithful servant."