An others first way of living
I've been that way for as long as I can remember; putting others first. It naturally comes with the job. You time and time again put aside your own needs for the needs of your patients. Never mind that it's your scheduled lunch time but your patient comes up to you and says "I need to talk." Never mind that you're waiting for your new admission to arrive, but you really have to pee! The same goes in my personal life too; if someone I know is having a hard day and I had a hard day, I'll hear all about their hard day but keep my thoughts to myself. When my sister called me a few weeks ago crying about Wiley (their cat) not doing well and taking him back to the vet's, I put my own thoughts aside, pushing behind wanting to tell her how much of a rough few days it had been at work and how I was dreading going back in to face potentially another difficult day. Even now I'm still putting others first.
Almost 2 weeks ago, sort of on a whim, I applied for a job. It's totally different from inpatient all together; outpatient actually. I had an interview last week. It went well; really well. The second interview is tomorrow. "I heard some really good things about you," my interviewer for tomorrow said on the phone. I think I'm going to get this job. And then I get asked "are you going to take it?" Every single part of me wants to scream YES YES YES YES! YES I AM GOING TO TAKE IT. But I haven't decided...because I'm putting others first. A lot of people are going to be shocked, disappointed, upset, maybe even angry. I've only told a few about this, and the feedback I've generally received is positive and supportive. At the end of the day, this isn't about what I want to do, this may be what I need. So I've been asking; do I keep staying at the same place, letting the bogged downness continue to strangle me, or do I try to make the best of it yet underneath hide the misery? Do I wait in the waiting that things and attitudes will change and get better? Or do, if offered, I take this new opportunity, grow, learn from it, grow as a nurse, develop, try something totally out of my comfort zone and see what happens? And my first thought isn't about me; it's about everyone else. The friends I've made. The friends I still have there. Will I be able to handle their reactions? Will my friendships stand the test? Will I be met with understanding, or resentment? Will I go in tomorrow and it be a horror show, or will it be the job of my dreams? I'm still thinking about everyone else. How will this affect them? Will they support me or try to talk me out of it? I feel like there's a bit of both right now, and this decision would be so much easier if everyone was on the same page.
I'm a Christian. I believe in God, who He is and what He does. He sent His son Jesus, who did everything for all of us. He DIED for us. Talk about a putting others first way of living. My whole life I feel as if I've been out of the way. I moved out of the way while my friend loved me, hated me, loved me, hated me. I stayed in a toxic friendship because she needed someone too. I moved out of the way in college when all of a sudden my group of "friends" decided I no longer fit in their group. Didn't fight it; just moved on. I got out of the way when friends and family welcomed new relationships into not only their lives, but mine too. I bit my tongue when I wanted to scream No! I want you to myself tonight! I've put aside my feelings of homesick and frustration when my sister said "we're not going to be able to come up this year." Listen, I'm not a bitter person. I'm a mature person; life, people and circumstances don't always go the way we want. I'm not expecting my entire world to revolve around me. Yet at the same time, an opportunity comes up for me to do something in my career for myself, and I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. Do I take it, or stay....for the sake of others and making everyone else happy? I went into travel nursing as the start of a journey of self-discovery; to help fulfill the potential God had (still has) on my life and learn how to be an independent person. It wasn't easy, but then I think of the opportunities that have opened up since I took that leap. And now that leap may come again, and I'm still on that journey of self-discovery. Does it continue where I am or do I move forward?
Almost 2 weeks ago, sort of on a whim, I applied for a job. It's totally different from inpatient all together; outpatient actually. I had an interview last week. It went well; really well. The second interview is tomorrow. "I heard some really good things about you," my interviewer for tomorrow said on the phone. I think I'm going to get this job. And then I get asked "are you going to take it?" Every single part of me wants to scream YES YES YES YES! YES I AM GOING TO TAKE IT. But I haven't decided...because I'm putting others first. A lot of people are going to be shocked, disappointed, upset, maybe even angry. I've only told a few about this, and the feedback I've generally received is positive and supportive. At the end of the day, this isn't about what I want to do, this may be what I need. So I've been asking; do I keep staying at the same place, letting the bogged downness continue to strangle me, or do I try to make the best of it yet underneath hide the misery? Do I wait in the waiting that things and attitudes will change and get better? Or do, if offered, I take this new opportunity, grow, learn from it, grow as a nurse, develop, try something totally out of my comfort zone and see what happens? And my first thought isn't about me; it's about everyone else. The friends I've made. The friends I still have there. Will I be able to handle their reactions? Will my friendships stand the test? Will I be met with understanding, or resentment? Will I go in tomorrow and it be a horror show, or will it be the job of my dreams? I'm still thinking about everyone else. How will this affect them? Will they support me or try to talk me out of it? I feel like there's a bit of both right now, and this decision would be so much easier if everyone was on the same page.
I'm a Christian. I believe in God, who He is and what He does. He sent His son Jesus, who did everything for all of us. He DIED for us. Talk about a putting others first way of living. My whole life I feel as if I've been out of the way. I moved out of the way while my friend loved me, hated me, loved me, hated me. I stayed in a toxic friendship because she needed someone too. I moved out of the way in college when all of a sudden my group of "friends" decided I no longer fit in their group. Didn't fight it; just moved on. I got out of the way when friends and family welcomed new relationships into not only their lives, but mine too. I bit my tongue when I wanted to scream No! I want you to myself tonight! I've put aside my feelings of homesick and frustration when my sister said "we're not going to be able to come up this year." Listen, I'm not a bitter person. I'm a mature person; life, people and circumstances don't always go the way we want. I'm not expecting my entire world to revolve around me. Yet at the same time, an opportunity comes up for me to do something in my career for myself, and I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. Do I take it, or stay....for the sake of others and making everyone else happy? I went into travel nursing as the start of a journey of self-discovery; to help fulfill the potential God had (still has) on my life and learn how to be an independent person. It wasn't easy, but then I think of the opportunities that have opened up since I took that leap. And now that leap may come again, and I'm still on that journey of self-discovery. Does it continue where I am or do I move forward?
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