There's no such thing as getting "used to it"

I posted this on my twitter: Sometimes my line of work because some illnesses take away the capacity to think rationally and we have to step in. It's never easy and after all this time I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

I don't think I would ever want to.

Sometimes we get really sick patients. They have so far decompensated into their illnesses that they are just like I described above; their minds have lost the ability to think rationally vs. irrationally. They are for whatever reason unaware that their words and/or actions are not only detrimental to other patients and staff but to themselves first and foremost. And when they have wandered so far off into irrational that there is no driving them back to rational, then that's when they require our help. And yes, sometimes it means I have to do what is necessary, even if the patient doesn't see it that way. The piercing yells and screams ring in my head for hours, sometimes days. But at the end of the day I have to ask myself; did we do everything we could before we did what we had to to try and keep them safe? Of course.

I process each day's events differently. Sometimes it's an uneventful day and there's nothing to talk about. Sometimes I require someone I work with to process the day's events with me. Sometimes I can't wait to share the wonderful day. Sometimes, so much happens that isn't so great and I don't know what to do or say, so I stay quiet, sit in silence and just let my mind work out whatever it needs to. Usually this means I'm sitting quietly off to myself. I'm not angry, I'm not upset, I'm not frustrated, I'm just....reeling. I'm trying to prevent myself from "getting used to" having to go to the last resort. And it's because sometimes, as someone in my line of work, I have to work through facing the ramifications of what happened. It's not that I did anything wrong; I was trained for handling difficult patients. It's just hard for me as a human being to have to witness how sick other human beings really are sometimes. And honestly, with some of the patients I've encountered, no amount of medication or time on a locked unit is going to make them better. And it's not because I believe in them, but I honestly believe sometimes our patients are just too far gone. We didn't make them better nor did we make them worse, but sometimes their loved ones bring them to us and ask us to "fix them." And I've lost count as to how many conversations I've had to have with loved ones when I tell them that they can't "be fixed." Once brain is lost, its lost and you can't recover it. And as hard as it is for some to accept, it's true. So why keep doing what I do? Because I have to. I must. Someone has to.