Hindsight is 2020: to look behind and to look ahead

“Where did you go to, if I may ask?' said Thorin to Gandalf as they rode along.
To look ahead,' said he.
And what brought you back in the nick of time?'
Looking behind,' said he.”

The above quote is from one of my favorite books, The Hobbit. It seems pertinent for this time of reflection as I look back on this past year and start to think about what the next year may look like. 2019 spurred a growth in my career and a realization of my foibles....or some of them. I started the year per diem working in long term care and short term rehab, but by February I knew it was not for me. I did not feel I could perform the job safely, nor could I give adequate care, as I was often running from one thing to the next. I didn't see resigning as a failure; rather the needs of the job exceeded what I was comfortable doing. Others disagreed with me, but in the end I did what was best for me. Soon after I started my new per diem job where I still am. Inpatient detox I have discovered is challenging, but also quite rewarding. Seeing the patients 1 on 1 gives me time to talk to them, sit down with them and try to connect with them. The pace is sometimes hectic, but I've found my niche there and will have my 1st anniversary there in the end of February. The residential program is a newly ventured avenue too, and well, I'm learning to love it! 

At my hospital job, I took on additional responsibilities by stepping up in a charge nurse position. And let's just say there have been days where I have been tested. But only by the grace of God and the team of co-workers that I have survived. I've made some new friends this year; one I mentored as she began her first nursing job with me on my unit and a new unit secretary that was hired over the summer. We've bonded over our similar personalities and our deep affection for cats, each other's cats and cats in general! I'm so blessed that they are in my life and I have really grown to depend on them and love them dearly. I'm looking very forward to attending one of their weddings in the summer too. I also got to spend Christmas day with my family for the first time in 3 years. Granted I've been home around the holidays, but usually a few days after. Truly a blessing. 

But this year has also sparked some not so great things. A toxic environment brewed by rumors, gossip, bullying and negativity. Not every day, but it's definitely been more prevalent this year. It has made my already hectic job a little more hectic. Yes, I've been the victim of some bullying, taunting, feeling like I'm being picked on, scrutiny over little things. All the while this all has been going on, deep down I still have this severe lack of understanding as to why. Why all the negativity? Why all the rumors? Why all the gossip? Why all the negativity? I know it seems petty, but how do these bullies live with themselves? What is the justification for intentionally hurting others? Maybe this roots from me being bullied in elementary and high school, and even at almost 30 years old I still....just don't understand. And it deeply hurts me that there are people like this caring for mentally broken people, but all I can do is ask for God's forgiveness and maybe one day they'll forgive themselves. It just wholeheartedly reminds me of how much we all need a Savior. On top of that I've battled 2 bouts of bronchitis, back issues and a dental implant surgery (phase 2 coming next Wednesday) and all the mental battles that have gone on with all of the above. 

I can only hope for 2020 that the negativity will fade away. I really hope it does. My roommate just asked me if I have any New Year's resolutions. I don't, and I don't think I'm going to set any. Whatever growth occurs will have occurred for a reason and I hope that any stagnation results in eventual growth. I don't want to hold myself to any standards other than God's. I just want to do what I always do; give 110% to my patients, do my best to live my life according to His way and love my friends and family as fiercely as I ever do, even if they drive me nuts. And of course to pray when things are going well and when things aren't going so well. One day at a time. Out with the old, in with the new! (Insert obligatory 2020 joke here).