Gumption

Since my last post, there have been three (yes, 3) more Nor'easters, though the last one I would hardly count as such, as only a light dusting of snow hit my neck of the woods. I saw my first IMAX theater movie (Black Panther!!!!) which was an experience like no other, as the theater is in a furniture store (look up Jordan's Furniture in Natick, Massachusetts. I'm not kidding). I've been continuing my streak of watching ER and am currently on the 13th season, and today the sun is shining for the first time in a while! I've also been really getting into classical music, as it's the only radio station that really picks up around here, and I have to have my music during my commute to and from work; Mozart's Bassoon concerto in B-flat major is becoming a favorite. Life is good. Oh yeah, and I am here until June, though not officially....still waiting on the official from the higher up....grr...

I've been in this field for almost 5 years now, and I am still amazed and sometimes humbled at what my patients continue to teach me without really doing so. I have been enjoying having a few moments to breathe and hearing some stories from my patients and the lives they have lived. Sometimes I have to forget what they've told me or what I've found out; lie of omission I guess, because there are so many moments when you see the person that you can't help but not see anything else. You forget their illness and the reasons they're under our care. One of the things that I try to teach not only my patients but to the general public is accountability. Some things are not in our control, but some are. One of the most frustrating things I encounter just in daily life is blame; blaming others for one's circumstances, living in a victim mentality. To be honest, I have a low threshold for such ways of thinking, mostly because I've had patterns in my own life where I've tended to gravitate towards such, instead of taking some responsibility instead of moping around, feeling sorry for myself and making those around me miserable. There's one conversation I had that still to this day sticks with me, and it was quite a while ago. I overheard a patient talking to another staff member about some options about what was next after discharge, and I could tell the conversation wasn't going very well. By the end of it I could tell both sides seemed a bit frustrated, so we talked after the conversation was over and I expressed my apologies that things didn't seem to be going well. The conversation ended up being a bit about smoking, and the response I received stopped me dead in my tracks; "you know what's lousy about this? It's not any of your all's fault. It's my fault because I don't have the gumption to quit in the first place."

I've practically lost count as to how many times the best-laid plans have fallen apart and we have been blamed for it. And yes, I will be the first to admit that sometimes it is our fault, just in the sense that there are lapses or errors in communication or the best-laid plans end up not working out and two or three days after discharge, they're right back to us. It happens, and it stinks. But to hear someone actually taking their own responsibility for things not going as planned, well, to be honest, it shocked me. It just seems we're hardwired to blame anyone and everything else before taking a step back and thinking "hey, maybe I'm part of the problem, too?" And listen, I'm not preaching to the choir; I'm just as guilty of this as anyone. Just gave me something to think about and mull over for a bit.