Because we all have them

I'm not going to lie, I've really been struggling emotionally since I got back from the DR. Several cruel reminders that the circumstances and places I spent all last week forgetting about are still here, and man those reminders for whatever reason have really hit me hard. I've come to the conclusion that there may be a few reasons for why I've been so out of sorts. In the DR, nobody knew me. It's not really a secret that I have a personality that doesn't always mix well with others, I get that. I've lost count at how many people have told me to "tone it down" "chill out" or "take it down." The thing of it is though is that I've had so many patients who are so appreciative of my generally bubbly and cheerful disposition, but for some it can be a big turnoff. I get that, and I realize that. Even Jesus wasn't accepted by everyone in his peer group, and He probably wouldn't be entirely accepted in his co-worker group...if He had a job while ministering. It was hard today going back to an environment with some of those clashes with my personality.

I think part of it was that today I felt un-appreciated. Normally this doesn't faze me; often so many things go thankless or un-noticed. But all last week, I was surrounded by children and adults who were so grateful for the ministries and services we provided. And then today, "do this," "do this," "do this right now!" All. Day. Long. And perhaps I'm being a bit paranoid, but I felt under the brute of several stings throughout the day, and I'm not really sure why. I mean, I'm not asking the entire world to kiss my butt, but I just wish everyone could understand what I just experienced and just how much it meant to me. And not even feeling the brute of stings, but all day I just felt out of sorts. I felt in a fog, I felt like I couldn't focus and I had a series of "brain farts" for most of the morning, feeling like "duh!" moments later. It got better as the day progressed, but it took a while.

It was near the point (after coming home later than usual) that I contemplated calling my recruiter and deciding not to extend. But then, in the midst of my emotional omnishambles, I realized it would be rather unwise to make a potentially regretful decision with my current emotional state, so we shall see how the rest of the week goes! Reason #3: I think I'm a tad bit homesick. Many of the folks I saw this past week I have not seen in a few months, and it really reminded me of how I ended up at the church I've called home for almost 10 years (wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Even though months had passed, it felt like I was right at home again, and there is a feeling like no other. I remember coming into my hotel room on Sunday night after my Uber driver dropped me off, and it all felt so....quiet. There was a moment where I just didn't know what to do. All week long I had been surrounded by the laughter of children, the company of my fellow Brothers and Sisters, late night talks and then when I came back to Virginia....just me and God. We were told two days before returning to the states that this sort of emotional omnishambles (my new terminology) may happen. It's weird though; this is my 4th mission trip and this is the only one in which this has happened.

And now I'm sitting here in tears, because on my digital photo frame is one of the little dogs from the DR, whom was known by "Negrito." Negrito was what we would call a stray, or "street dog" in the DR terminology. I remember one day Negrito was just walking around minding his own business and two of the children snickered at him and kicked him on the back of his leg. He scuddled away with his head bowed down and his little stumpy tail down too. I saw him in that moment, sat down on the ground, patted my lap, smiled, and with his head still cowered, his little stumpy tail wagged and he very cautiously approached me and I petted him and told him how much God loved him. Gratitude. That little act of gratitude, and shoot how much I am missing it right now. Today was only one day; "today's trouble is enough for today," quoted is one of my favorite Bible verses. Sis just shared a laugh with me, and I'm starting to feel a little better. Today is just today. Tomorrow is a new day. This too shall pass.