3 years
Kicking off this blog for 2017 on a bit of a personal note. What I am writing below I have only shared with a few people, but I'm sharing it today because I think some of you are struggling with what I have struggled in the past, and I'm telling you; it gets easier. You will move on and learn to forgive, even if that means forgiving yourself.
3 years ago today, I said goodbye to someone who at that time was someone very special in my life. Little did I know that this day would change the course of my life forever; at first in a not so desirable way but then in a way that has partially shaped me into the person I am today. We met at my first job, and I'm still today not sure what it was, but there was something there. It's been that long since I've seen this person face to face, and now I can't remember the last time we've had any sort of contact. He was the person I first fell for. It started out as hanging out at Steak and Shake after we got off work, as we shared the same shifts and worked a few days together during the week. Then it was the constant texting or Facebook messaging one another. Then it was the more personal conversations about our lives, what we believed and what we were passionate about. Then he left to conquer awesome things in this world to this day I am still admirable about the amount of courage it took to leave everything behind and basically start from scratch. Maybe there's a small subconscious inspiration in him that got me into travel nursing, as I told him back then I could never do that....and now I'm doing it. Anyway, we kept in touch when we could while he was away, then little by little the communication got less and less and eventually stopped all together. I blamed myself, of course; I had pushed him away. I said too much, was too clingy, was too annoying, was too in his face, all lies that were fed to me by the Enemy. I was angry; at God, at myself, at fate, whatever, because why on Earth would I meet a wonderful person and then all of it just disappear?
But after a while, a LONG while, I forgave myself. It took a lot of heart work, a lot of honest conversations with God, with other people and a good look at myself to realize it wasn't my fault. It was nobody's fault; things and life just get in the way sometimes. Or maybe there's other underlying forces that change the course of two people's paths. Or maybe I'm just full of it and don't really know what happened, but I think I'm too old to be pointing fingers at somebody to blame, even if I was pointing the fingers at myself. I've learned that there are those that if they want to stay in your life, they will. And if they don't, they won't. It's not anybody's fault...it's just how the wheels in life turn sometimes. And that's ok. We have to move on. I had to move on, and I did, and I have. I still think about him from time to time, generally in the sense that I hope he is well and still continuing to do awesome things in his life. And if he's met someone, I hope they make him very happy and give him what he deserves. As for me, I'm at the point in my life where I'm not really ready for a relationship. I thought I was. I believe God told me to go into travel nursing, and He told me "I don't want anything or anyone getting in the way of that," even if that meant my desire to stay put and eventually settle down. Someone at work not too long ago asked me if I want to settle down with someone. Sure I do, but it's not a priority in my life right now.
Perhaps one day our paths will cross one day. I would like that, but I'm not losing sleep dreaming of the day when that will happen. If he were to show up at my door today, I'd let him in. I'd listen. I'd hear him out. So why am I sharing this? I'm still not really sure, but it's been on my mind all morning, and I believe that when something stays on my mind for a while, then it's God compelling me to share it. I believe someone needs to hear what I've experienced. And all of this started when I read my on this day on Facebook, and it was a day until today that I had forgotten.
3 years ago today, I said goodbye to someone who at that time was someone very special in my life. Little did I know that this day would change the course of my life forever; at first in a not so desirable way but then in a way that has partially shaped me into the person I am today. We met at my first job, and I'm still today not sure what it was, but there was something there. It's been that long since I've seen this person face to face, and now I can't remember the last time we've had any sort of contact. He was the person I first fell for. It started out as hanging out at Steak and Shake after we got off work, as we shared the same shifts and worked a few days together during the week. Then it was the constant texting or Facebook messaging one another. Then it was the more personal conversations about our lives, what we believed and what we were passionate about. Then he left to conquer awesome things in this world to this day I am still admirable about the amount of courage it took to leave everything behind and basically start from scratch. Maybe there's a small subconscious inspiration in him that got me into travel nursing, as I told him back then I could never do that....and now I'm doing it. Anyway, we kept in touch when we could while he was away, then little by little the communication got less and less and eventually stopped all together. I blamed myself, of course; I had pushed him away. I said too much, was too clingy, was too annoying, was too in his face, all lies that were fed to me by the Enemy. I was angry; at God, at myself, at fate, whatever, because why on Earth would I meet a wonderful person and then all of it just disappear?
But after a while, a LONG while, I forgave myself. It took a lot of heart work, a lot of honest conversations with God, with other people and a good look at myself to realize it wasn't my fault. It was nobody's fault; things and life just get in the way sometimes. Or maybe there's other underlying forces that change the course of two people's paths. Or maybe I'm just full of it and don't really know what happened, but I think I'm too old to be pointing fingers at somebody to blame, even if I was pointing the fingers at myself. I've learned that there are those that if they want to stay in your life, they will. And if they don't, they won't. It's not anybody's fault...it's just how the wheels in life turn sometimes. And that's ok. We have to move on. I had to move on, and I did, and I have. I still think about him from time to time, generally in the sense that I hope he is well and still continuing to do awesome things in his life. And if he's met someone, I hope they make him very happy and give him what he deserves. As for me, I'm at the point in my life where I'm not really ready for a relationship. I thought I was. I believe God told me to go into travel nursing, and He told me "I don't want anything or anyone getting in the way of that," even if that meant my desire to stay put and eventually settle down. Someone at work not too long ago asked me if I want to settle down with someone. Sure I do, but it's not a priority in my life right now.
Perhaps one day our paths will cross one day. I would like that, but I'm not losing sleep dreaming of the day when that will happen. If he were to show up at my door today, I'd let him in. I'd listen. I'd hear him out. So why am I sharing this? I'm still not really sure, but it's been on my mind all morning, and I believe that when something stays on my mind for a while, then it's God compelling me to share it. I believe someone needs to hear what I've experienced. And all of this started when I read my on this day on Facebook, and it was a day until today that I had forgotten.
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