Amends to myself
If you spend even just a short time in my working world, you will learn about the many emotions that come charged in working with mentally ill individuals. Nine times out of ten, it is incredibly rewarding, especially when you see someone so low come in and then over the course of even just a few days gain insight into their illness but learn how to adapt and cope healthily to it and leave us happy and healthy. Sometimes it makes me sad; the disease of addiction, as I've said many times, does not discriminate, and I've seen families ripped apart, parents lose custody of their children, great careers and promises completely gone and seen people completely hit rock bottom. A lot of times though it is also very frustrating, especially when some individuals lack insight to why they are with us, or when they do not believe they have a problem, or when the line between whether or not someone is actually ill becomes blurred.
Yes. The last above frustration is the one I don't think I will ever stop struggling with. Unfortunately, it's the one I struggle with the most. And I know what you're thinking, so what, are they faking it? Honestly? Beats me. I honestly don't know. I'm not sure what it is. Chances are, no, I don't think so. But my opinions and the mentality of "they're just acting out" or "they just want attention" sometimes get in the way and get the better of me. And yes, sometimes that is the case, sometimes they really do want attention. But again, it's the illness and not just who they are, which is something else I struggle with too. I'm a caterer. Now what do I mean by that? When one of my patients wants something or "needs" something and I can't either a) meet those needs or b) meet those needs right away, then usually one of two things happens. They either 1) leave the matter alone or 2) set something up so that I have to do something immediately. I see this a lot especially with the teens and children; when they don't get something they want they yell, scream, curse at me, bang on the doors, bang on the windows, run up and down the hall and scream bloody murder, and so on and so on until the want is met or until they tire themselves out. Now I put "needs" in quotes because so often than not we say we need something to fix whatever thought or emotion we're trying to cope with, and with my patients most often its some sort of medicine. They don't want to cope with what they're struggling with or they just don't know how, so they ask me for something; some miracle pill to get rid of it all. Well, such a thing doesn't exist, so then....the cycle begins. The threatening, the yelling, the wall punching, angrily pacing, the "I'll sign myself out" threats, and so on. So then what happens? I cater to whatever they want, or in this case....need. It's a viscous cycle. I really try to cut myself a break sometimes, but a lot of times it's rather difficult.
And that's just the nature of today's society; not just in kids or teenagers but adults too. When I was a kid, if I felt bad, I just had to feel bad and learn to cope with it. Now, for kids, they get pills thrown at them and aren't taught healthy coping skills at home. That's what we as the staff try to do, because yes, we have as needed meds readily available, but they don't go home with them most times. And as for adults, they're with me on my unit because they've resorted to drinking or using to cope. Again, we as the staff are responsible for teaching them healthy coping strategies and beginning the foundations of the 12 Steps. Sometimes it works, a lot of times though they are very resistant to change their ways. It's a powerful disease, addiction, and the first step is admitting that one's life has become unmanageable to drugs or alcohol. I think of my aunt, who has had a problem with pain pills for longer than I've been alive, and she still hasn't even began step 1 yet. Doesn't think there's a problem. Anyway, I digressed a little bit there. It's an illness. A disease that needs treatment. I get frustrated with the disease a lot of times, though, because sometimes I just want to smack these people upside the head and then give them a hug. Like I said, I try to cut myself a break; sometimes all I can do is the best that I can. It doesn't feel like enough sometimes, but I do what I have to do.
Yes. The last above frustration is the one I don't think I will ever stop struggling with. Unfortunately, it's the one I struggle with the most. And I know what you're thinking, so what, are they faking it? Honestly? Beats me. I honestly don't know. I'm not sure what it is. Chances are, no, I don't think so. But my opinions and the mentality of "they're just acting out" or "they just want attention" sometimes get in the way and get the better of me. And yes, sometimes that is the case, sometimes they really do want attention. But again, it's the illness and not just who they are, which is something else I struggle with too. I'm a caterer. Now what do I mean by that? When one of my patients wants something or "needs" something and I can't either a) meet those needs or b) meet those needs right away, then usually one of two things happens. They either 1) leave the matter alone or 2) set something up so that I have to do something immediately. I see this a lot especially with the teens and children; when they don't get something they want they yell, scream, curse at me, bang on the doors, bang on the windows, run up and down the hall and scream bloody murder, and so on and so on until the want is met or until they tire themselves out. Now I put "needs" in quotes because so often than not we say we need something to fix whatever thought or emotion we're trying to cope with, and with my patients most often its some sort of medicine. They don't want to cope with what they're struggling with or they just don't know how, so they ask me for something; some miracle pill to get rid of it all. Well, such a thing doesn't exist, so then....the cycle begins. The threatening, the yelling, the wall punching, angrily pacing, the "I'll sign myself out" threats, and so on. So then what happens? I cater to whatever they want, or in this case....need. It's a viscous cycle. I really try to cut myself a break sometimes, but a lot of times it's rather difficult.
And that's just the nature of today's society; not just in kids or teenagers but adults too. When I was a kid, if I felt bad, I just had to feel bad and learn to cope with it. Now, for kids, they get pills thrown at them and aren't taught healthy coping skills at home. That's what we as the staff try to do, because yes, we have as needed meds readily available, but they don't go home with them most times. And as for adults, they're with me on my unit because they've resorted to drinking or using to cope. Again, we as the staff are responsible for teaching them healthy coping strategies and beginning the foundations of the 12 Steps. Sometimes it works, a lot of times though they are very resistant to change their ways. It's a powerful disease, addiction, and the first step is admitting that one's life has become unmanageable to drugs or alcohol. I think of my aunt, who has had a problem with pain pills for longer than I've been alive, and she still hasn't even began step 1 yet. Doesn't think there's a problem. Anyway, I digressed a little bit there. It's an illness. A disease that needs treatment. I get frustrated with the disease a lot of times, though, because sometimes I just want to smack these people upside the head and then give them a hug. Like I said, I try to cut myself a break; sometimes all I can do is the best that I can. It doesn't feel like enough sometimes, but I do what I have to do.
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