Good grief
Last night ended on somewhat of a sad note. I spent about 20 minutes, talking with a patient (and a bit of crying too) about losing loved ones. I didn't say much; I just let this patient talk about the grief they were feeling, share a few regrets and some good memories. They also mentioned a loved one passing away on their birthday years ago. Tomorrow is my 25th birthday; it is also the anniversary of my Grandpa's passing. He lived a good and long life, and my family all knew going home to Jesus was inevitable. But the fact that he passed away on any and all days, well, it just reminds me of God's mysterious work. As I was driving home, I was thinking about the process of grief itself, and reminding this patient of just that, that grief is what it is. We get pissed off at God, circumstances, whatever, hurt because this person is no longer here with us, and finally, we reach a point of acceptance in knowing they are free of their earthly suffering.
With any process, the steps get completed, but sometimes you have to repeat them. Sometimes you have to repeat them multiple times. I realized, just this morning actually, that grief is like working the 12 Steps. You start at step 1, go onto complete steps 2, 3, 4 and so on. But then something happens; a memory or some other trigger and then you find yourself back at step 1 again. And that's ok. I've learned that processes never really are complete. They're good when utilized, yes, but I don't think they're meant to ever be complete. They help us focus on achieving a more long-term goal, which is to eventually accept the loss, whether that loss is a loved one or a life no longer shackled by addiction. I've lost a few people in my life; a few to tragic death, some just because, others have left the comforts of home and have gone on to do awesome things across the world. I miss these people, and the process of grieving has continued. For those who haven't passed on, it's just losing what was, which was really good and the uncertainty that may come later on down the road. As I said to this patient last night, it's ok to be hurt and sad over our loved ones who are no longer with us. It's ok sometimes to feel guilty, shake our fists and ask "why me? Why am I still here?" They asked me why this happened. My response was...I didn't know. I don't have, nor do I claim to have the answers. All I know is that God works in mysterious ways and sometimes He does things in our lives that we don't understand. There's a reason for them, even if it takes a long time and a long process to figure that out.
Tomorrow, I celebrate being alive for another year. I'll also be celebrating a cherished life. I always tell my family and my sister that through my patients I learn so much about God and myself. Last night I was tired, worn out and exhausted after a busy night. But that conversation, it happened for a reason. God plants the seeds, and when I saw that patient sitting alone, looked at me and asked "could we talk?" Something told me I would be the one to carry on that conversation.
With any process, the steps get completed, but sometimes you have to repeat them. Sometimes you have to repeat them multiple times. I realized, just this morning actually, that grief is like working the 12 Steps. You start at step 1, go onto complete steps 2, 3, 4 and so on. But then something happens; a memory or some other trigger and then you find yourself back at step 1 again. And that's ok. I've learned that processes never really are complete. They're good when utilized, yes, but I don't think they're meant to ever be complete. They help us focus on achieving a more long-term goal, which is to eventually accept the loss, whether that loss is a loved one or a life no longer shackled by addiction. I've lost a few people in my life; a few to tragic death, some just because, others have left the comforts of home and have gone on to do awesome things across the world. I miss these people, and the process of grieving has continued. For those who haven't passed on, it's just losing what was, which was really good and the uncertainty that may come later on down the road. As I said to this patient last night, it's ok to be hurt and sad over our loved ones who are no longer with us. It's ok sometimes to feel guilty, shake our fists and ask "why me? Why am I still here?" They asked me why this happened. My response was...I didn't know. I don't have, nor do I claim to have the answers. All I know is that God works in mysterious ways and sometimes He does things in our lives that we don't understand. There's a reason for them, even if it takes a long time and a long process to figure that out.
Tomorrow, I celebrate being alive for another year. I'll also be celebrating a cherished life. I always tell my family and my sister that through my patients I learn so much about God and myself. Last night I was tired, worn out and exhausted after a busy night. But that conversation, it happened for a reason. God plants the seeds, and when I saw that patient sitting alone, looked at me and asked "could we talk?" Something told me I would be the one to carry on that conversation.
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| Circa 2009. My Grandpa and my cousins on my mom's side of the family. :) |
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