I will never, never look back
Last night's shift ended with drawing, coloring (not by me) talking about Nicholas Sparks books and movies, and ended with a patient talking about the Chucky movies and how that stupid creepy doll killed everyone (NOT psychotic; just a big horror movie buff).
Perhaps I digressed a little bit....
Anyway, yesterday was also my annual performance evaluation. To be honest, I didn't think I'd make it to the next one. 2 write ups, a new nurse and a slew of broken confidence was what lingered over my head last year. I remember my nurse manager at the time telling me "I don't want to fire you" but we both knew that was a possibility. No ill will whatsoever towards my superiors; they have jobs to do too. It was just nerve wracking to be facing that possibility, but I did. Not so much anymore. I walked into my eval yesterday and the first thing my nurse manager said to me was "give me your badge and keys." If only you could have seen my face, and unfortunately I don't have a clever picture to depict it. I soon realized this was a joke. So we went over the thing, and I received a bunch of 2's and 3's (those are good!) and only one 1, which is not so good. Pretty sure I had a few 1's last year. Still! Only one 1! My overall score was a 3.....something, and that's good too. I was then told that I would get a raise of some sort. Apparently at my place of employment, raises are divided into three categories; those whose score is in the top 10% of the entire facility get the highest raise, those whose score is in the top 25% get the second highest, and then the rest (in my words yesterday) are like "well here you're still awesome so you get a raise. Yay." Last year, since I hadn't worked a full year, I only got half a percentage of what I was supposed to get, which I think was like 3% or something. So yeah. Whumping 1.5% raise last year, which equaled roughly 9 cents. Big whoopee! (And no, I'm not being sarcastic).
Ok I'm digressing a bit again and my coffee is starting to get cold. So my nurse manager told me that my score wasn't likely in the top 10% (oh darn) but was quite likely in the top 25%. Uh...yessir!!! I literally almost broke down. I will neither confirm nor deny I did a happy dance in the bathroom afterward. Then proceeded to say "we sure hope you'll stick around forever." My response was "I'll stick around as long as you'll have me." I've had a lot of people tell me I've come a long way. And while that is true, it all goes back to God. When the only choice you have is to give it all to Him and to do your best to move forward from all the shadows of past mistakes and failures, then yeah. You do it. You'll do anything to get away from them. I think when I started working, I thought I was invincible, yet underneath all of that was someone who was scared half out of her mind that I was going to make a mistake, and so whenever I did something I'd be like "don't mess up don't mess up." And yeah. I did a time or two. This past year, instead of telling myself "don't mess up don't mess up" I told myself "just do your best and that's all you can do." And God has once again proven Himself faithful. So whatever's going on in the world or in your life, remember you don't have to be a victim to the past. Just let it go and let God.
Be still my heart and know You are God alone. Stop thinking so much and just let it go.
Perhaps I digressed a little bit....
Anyway, yesterday was also my annual performance evaluation. To be honest, I didn't think I'd make it to the next one. 2 write ups, a new nurse and a slew of broken confidence was what lingered over my head last year. I remember my nurse manager at the time telling me "I don't want to fire you" but we both knew that was a possibility. No ill will whatsoever towards my superiors; they have jobs to do too. It was just nerve wracking to be facing that possibility, but I did. Not so much anymore. I walked into my eval yesterday and the first thing my nurse manager said to me was "give me your badge and keys." If only you could have seen my face, and unfortunately I don't have a clever picture to depict it. I soon realized this was a joke. So we went over the thing, and I received a bunch of 2's and 3's (those are good!) and only one 1, which is not so good. Pretty sure I had a few 1's last year. Still! Only one 1! My overall score was a 3.....something, and that's good too. I was then told that I would get a raise of some sort. Apparently at my place of employment, raises are divided into three categories; those whose score is in the top 10% of the entire facility get the highest raise, those whose score is in the top 25% get the second highest, and then the rest (in my words yesterday) are like "well here you're still awesome so you get a raise. Yay." Last year, since I hadn't worked a full year, I only got half a percentage of what I was supposed to get, which I think was like 3% or something. So yeah. Whumping 1.5% raise last year, which equaled roughly 9 cents. Big whoopee! (And no, I'm not being sarcastic).
Ok I'm digressing a bit again and my coffee is starting to get cold. So my nurse manager told me that my score wasn't likely in the top 10% (oh darn) but was quite likely in the top 25%. Uh...yessir!!! I literally almost broke down. I will neither confirm nor deny I did a happy dance in the bathroom afterward. Then proceeded to say "we sure hope you'll stick around forever." My response was "I'll stick around as long as you'll have me." I've had a lot of people tell me I've come a long way. And while that is true, it all goes back to God. When the only choice you have is to give it all to Him and to do your best to move forward from all the shadows of past mistakes and failures, then yeah. You do it. You'll do anything to get away from them. I think when I started working, I thought I was invincible, yet underneath all of that was someone who was scared half out of her mind that I was going to make a mistake, and so whenever I did something I'd be like "don't mess up don't mess up." And yeah. I did a time or two. This past year, instead of telling myself "don't mess up don't mess up" I told myself "just do your best and that's all you can do." And God has once again proven Himself faithful. So whatever's going on in the world or in your life, remember you don't have to be a victim to the past. Just let it go and let God.
Be still my heart and know You are God alone. Stop thinking so much and just let it go.
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| Patient colored this for me last night |
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