Making it

2014 is almost coming to a close. Already, right?! There was a time or two, especially at the beginning of this year where I sincerely thought that I would not have a job for much longer. Now the circumstances related to that don't amount to a hill of beans, but I will never forget that conversation I had. In between my gasping, panting, tear-stricken semi sobs I wracked out "I'm going to get fired. I don't want to let you all down or make you look bad. I don't think I can do this anymore." The response after that, I still hold to me when days just suck.

"Kelly. You're going to make it."

And now, almost a year later, I rose to the challenge. I made it, and I'm still making it. It's like when you get your driver's license for the first time, or when you ace that really super hard test, or when your significant other tells you "I love you" (haven't had THAT happen yet, but that's ok) for the first time. You feel invincible; like nothing can stop you. That's how I felt when I received that phone call that said "I'm going to offer you the part-time, second shift RN position on Adult Psych." Because you're no longer a nursing student anymore. You're no longer a permit driver. You're no longer single. I became a working professional that day. And with any working professional comes with its share of crap. For lack of a better word. When you're behind the wheel for the first time, you don't think about the bad things that could potentially happen at any second. You apply what you know and you thank God for the opportunity and new found freedom. And then something bad does happen. You and your significant other start fighting, or you back your new car into a curb and get a dent. You failed that test and are now facing the possibility of retaking that class you detest with everything in you. I read something on the news today that a lady accidentally received the wrong medication  while she was in the emergency room and she died. That's never happened on my watch, but it could. You don't think anything "bad" will ever happen, but then. Something does. And I'm telling you, it will. The scariest thing is that there's not too much that can be done, because we're humans. And where I work, a lot of humans come and go, and let me tell you mistakes are bound to happen. And they do. They still do.

So what do you do? Retreat in your corner, deny everything and leave as much work for the next shift? The complete opposite. Keep going. And at first you don't want to, because all the walls are down and the safety nets are all cut away. I've known people who deal with problems by simply walking away; the "eff it, I'm done" mentality is their only way to cope instead of refacing it. But you know? I think, especially in my experience, that the mistakes have to happen. Number one, because they won't happen again, and number 2, you're forced to choose how you're going to deal with it, and there are negative and positive ways of dealing. Ok. Now what is the point of all this mumbo jumbo? I have friends of mine that are just starting college, some are almost finished, and some are in the same healthcare field as I am (or are about to start). You have to be prepared for the worst but do your best. All the time. The Bible says 365 times do not fear. One day for the year for that reminder (thank you, Facing The Giants). If you're constantly in fear of messing up, you'll never grow. You won't make it. And yes, I am speaking from experience. That's the very heart of 99.9% of these posts I write; it's not only a reminder for me on what I've learned but hopefully someone out there will learn something as well. It's almost Christmas time as well as the near end of 2014, and I am so thankful that I'm still where I am. I'm making it, day by day.  And it's taken a lot of people from home, church and work to knock some sense into me, a lot of just getting my hands dirty while on the job and learning as much as possible. But most of all it's taken a lot of prayer; prayer for not knowing, growing as a nurse, putting on my brave face even when the crap was hitting the fan all around me, and gratitude. Gratitude for what I've learned, those who have been there for me and for the vast experiences I have gained and the confidants who are there with me to help wage this battle for helping the mentally ill get back on their feet. Kelly. You're going to make it.