Learning to be...

6 and a half weeks out of school, and I still don't have a job. Four job rejections in two days this week. Hundreds of applications I've put in since February 25, and I've got a few I'm sitting on that I haven't finished yet. Two interviews...and a third tomorrow! Not sure how I'm going to pay my share of next month's rent. I have no idea what direction my life is going in; I'm literally taking it one day at a time.

But I'm at peace. Or at least maybe I'm finally learning to be.

I'm not sure if this is just me turning blase or if I'm finally surrendering to the One who gave this all to me in the first place! When you're stuck at home with nothing to do, one finds oneself doing a large amount of thinking and reflecting. And I've been doing a LOT of thinking. I've grown up....a lot. Mostly for the good, not trying to brag. But in the midst of all this insanity and uncertainty, I feel...peaceful. I'm not stressed about it. I'm not angry, bitter, or resentful of my friends and classmates who have or just got jobs. I'm very happy for them. I've just now started feeling this way; shoot, the last 6 and a half weeks have had me on pins and needles and just feeling downright antsy! Wasn't certain or sure of anything really, and to be honest I was getting tired of rolling with the every day "let's feel sorry for me" punches. Because that's what I was doing. It was one pity party after another after another. For lack of an uncensored word, the last week or two I've been downright bitchy. I was frustrated with the circumstances; being stuck at home, nothing to do, and not hearing anything from jobs. So now you're probably wondering, well, what changed?

Am I completely dismissing my feelings of frustration? No. But...I suppose I'm learning how to roll with different punches. The punches of God perhaps blessing me with this quiet time and forcing myself to just be still. Ever since I graduated, I've been so focused on finding a job, taking the boards and passing the boards. Once I finished the boards and passed, I had this "well now what do I do" mentality. It was unsettling, because I didn't have a routine. I still don't have a routine. But I suppose what happened was I finally realized that it's sometimes ok to not know what's going to happen next. It's ok to be out of the routine box. I've been using this time to myself to think, pray, watch movies I haven't watched in a while and re read the Harry Potter series! But if Harry Potter can defeat Lord Volde....excuse me, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, if Frodo can carry the Ring to Mount Doom, if God can watch his own Son die on a cross, then I can surely be still for a short while. It will pass. This too shall pass.



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